Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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