I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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