i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
