I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize