I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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