my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I AM VODKA MAN
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
