Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
