I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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