I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
