I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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