I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm just crazy horny about you
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
