So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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