This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
