it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize