He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
