Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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