I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
