"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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