So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
