i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
