I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I touched a dick in church today
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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