My underwear smells like fireworks.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
