My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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