I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
