No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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