you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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