the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
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