My hand turned me down
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
