you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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