One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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