They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
