apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
