in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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