dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just found puke in my bra..
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
