Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
