What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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