I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
