YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
