I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
