Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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