I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
