Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
