I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
