I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
