i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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