I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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