The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Randomize
