so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
