I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize