That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
