she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
