I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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