u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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