well I can't set my house on fire every night
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
