She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
