If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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