i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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