Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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