I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
