i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
