my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
