Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
