In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
