I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
