My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
