We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
